Blue Stationery

[prettyboy]

BLUE[b] STATIONERY [/b]

Blue stationery, how can I forget it?

February 1990 - my fourth year in college, the time when Tiffany and Debbie Gibson rule the MTV scene, when Richard Marx,s “Right Here Waiting” was played over and over the radio waves.  There I was, enrolled in engineering school with my thick black-rimmed eyeglasses, my leaning for lousy T-shirts, faded denims, worn out rubber shoes, perfectly matched by my bewildered look after all those years of daily overdose of math problems.

With nothing to do one sleepy noon break inside the campus a friend suddenly came up with a crazy suggestion-send our names to a songhits magazine under the Penpal column. That was how it all started, from an insane idea that later on led to something that bothered me for quite some time.  A couple of months passed and it came-hundreds, yes, hundreds of letters.  My friends who have good sounding names got most of it, while I got a measly eleven letters.

But from that eleven letters one stood out-a letter written on blue stationery.

It was written by a lady from San Fernando, Pampanga. She was about my age and a nursing student in one of the local universities.  She said that it was her first time to try writing someone she doesn,t know and she hoped that I could spare some time to write her back.  And so I replied, telling her where I live, where I study, and anything that an ordinary student can share.  I just felt that there is more to know about her.

She told her story in her next letter, a story as flabbergasting as stories often heard in melodramas and soap operas.  Her boyfriend left her for another woman… after so much crying over losing her boyfriend she tried to commit suicide by slashing her pulse. She survived, finally recovered and by her friends, advice was encouraged to try finding companionship through penpals. She found my name and she tried. After that her letters came regularly-weekly to be exact, that I got too familiar with the sound of the mailman,s motorcycle as he pass by our house to deliver her letters.

She was sweet. We even had a guessing game on where she is in a large group picture she sent me.  I kept on intentionally choosing the wrong ones, for I was saving my last guess to that cute lady in the middle of the picture. Finally she admitted that she was indeed that one and I was so proud of her that I showed that picture to all my classmates. As the months passed her letters came in sweeter words. We even spend long hours talking over the phone, for who will hang up on someone who has a sweet voice as she has. One time that she got too corny that she suggested that at one particular night we would both go out, look up and find the brightest star, by that way we can have some sort of physical connection. And my turn to be corny came when I would read all her letters from the very start, from that blue stationery up to her last letter, and after that I would scatter all her letters around me as I lay in my bed until I fall asleep. As I sleep I would dream that I am transported into a surreal world, where I am a knight in shining armor out to meet a beautiful princess. Yes, she is my lady, my princess.

But all those times there was always this tinge of reality in me-what if we meet and it turn out that I fall way below her expectations, and a lot of other what ifs.  I just could not stand it any more that I ceased writing her, for I was sure that everything would later lead to hurt feelings and shattered egos anyway.

After three weeks her reply came with words of frustration.  She said that it has been almost a year since we “met” and it just pains her that it will all end abruptly.  It was when she said that she misses my letters that I decided to see her, no matter what may happen. I must take this risk or I will lose everything. So I travelled all the way to San Fernando Pampanga to see her, and surprise her for I chose not to tell her that I,m coming just to see what her reactions would be.  Finally, I,ll be seeing my lady.

And there she was-standing in front of me, just as surprised as I was.  She,s tall, with a lovely face, soft eyes, narrow lips, fair complexion-she was indeed pretty. I was so dumbstruck when I saw her and barely was I able to hide my happiness. Never did I expect that she was this pretty in person. Again I found myself in a surreal world, just like in my dreams, where finally I, the knight in shining armor meet the beautiful princess that I longed for.
But there was something that I missed.

Maybe I was too excited on seeing her that I failed to notice how rather silent she was.  As we were having lunch she said that a few days ago she mailed me a letter that I better not open. I may have suspected something was wrong but I guess the excitement made everything blurry.  By dawn I bid goodbye and went home to Batangas.
And it came, another letter written on blue stationery. The first words of her letter hit me like a thunderbolt:

My boyfriend has come back, so please stop writing me. Never call me again.  I love him so much and I don,t want to lose him again, I,m sorry.
Everything went into a tailspin, as if all the corners of my room were falling on me, and my legs suddenly went shaky that I slumped onto my bedroom floor.  It was the shock that I will never forget, and I sit there in the deepest recesses of self-pity and humiliation.  Streaks of tears flowed from my eyes. There I was, buckling under the weight of despair while holding that blue stationery from my lady. It was very difficult to accept as I have always thought that that this dream-like world where I am will have a happy ending. But how come I ended up being the vanquished and forsaken? As the days passed I began to despise everyone as much as I despised myself, blaming every person for something that was my own doing.  And after a few weeks it was my turn to miss her letters, and as a final recourse I wrote her pleading her to write back.

She never responded. Months passed and I became tired of my daily wait in the front living room window for the mailman to arrive while listening to Richard Marx,s “Right Here Waiting”, and it suddenly dawned upon me that I have to accept that all has come to an end.  There was no use waiting for something that may not come.  I must go back to reality that all these started from some insane idea that I should never have gotten into in the first place.  Crazy to think that this will prosper when I only met her under not-so-ordinary circumstances.  Yes, this is all crazy and I need to go back to reality that we don,t live in a world of knights and princesses but in a world full of idiots and insensitive people.  Maybe someday I,ll forget all about this and laugh about it, and maybe this story will just be one of my many anecdotes that my friends would eagerly listen to.

Maybe, just maybe years from now when I,m matured enough I,ll meet someone who I can truly call My Lady, YES, for sure that will come…
Graduation is two months away and I better get prepared for the finals.  Time to shake off this habit of staring out of the front window every morning...

[virtual office makati]

Thanks it's nice.