JeLLy BeaNs

[HaTeR_oTzYoO]

KWENTONG JELLY BEANS by noringai



Hindi ako mahilig sa jelly beans. Pero nung dumating yung jelly beans
galing sa
sister ng roommate ko, naintriga ako. Isang malaking garapon ng jelly
beans na
siguro ay mga 1000 ang laman at may 49 flavors. Hinanap ko agad yung
chocolate
pudding na flavor na nakalagay sa listahan. Lahat ng kulay brown,
kinuha
ko. Pero
hindi chocolate ang lasa ng mga jelly beans na kinain ko. May coffee,
may
plum, may
licorice, may rootbeer. ngunit walang chocolate. Sa kakahanap ng
chocolate
flavor,
hindi ko napapansin ang ibang 48 flavors na nasa garapon. At na-realize
ko, ikaw ang
the elusive chocolate pudding flavor na jelly bean sa buhay ko.

Na-obsessed ako sa lahat ng kulay brown na jelly beans. Iyong roommate
ko,
na-explore na yung ibang flavor. May bubble gum flavor, may piña
colada,
may peanut
butter, may sizzling cinnamon, may caramel popcorn. Lahat yun,
nasarapan
sya. Ako,
hindi ko pinapansin ang ibang jelly beans. Naka-tuon ang pansin ko sa
brown jelly
beans.

Parang ikaw. Sa kakahabol sa iyo, hindi ko na napansin ang ibang lalake
sa
paligid
ko. Masyado akong naka-focus sa yo, kaya napapalampas ko na ang mga
matitinong
lalake na nagbibigay interes sa akin. Parang yung ibang flavors ng
jelly
beans na
hindi ko natikman dahil ang gusto ko talaga eh yung chocolate pudding.

Iyong roommate ko, natikman na nya ang chocolate pudding na jelly bean.
Ang swerte
naman niya, natikman nya agad ang flavor na gusto ko. Hindi niya
hinahangad, yun pa
ang napunta sa kanya. Sabi niya, hindi naman daw masarap ung chocolate
pudding na
jelly bean. Ordinaryo lang ang lasa. Hindi tulad nung mga favorite
nyang
flavor.
Pinatikim nya sa akin yung toasted marshmallow saka ung strawberry
cheesecake,
masarap naman. Pero, yung chocolate pudding talaga gusto ko eh. Ganon
yata
talaga
yun. Mas gusto natin yung hindi natin nakukuha.

Nung finally natikman ko ang chocolate pudding na jelly bean, napasigaw
ako. At
last, nakuha ko rin ang gusto ko. Pero, nung ninamnam ko ang lasa,
hindi
nga sya
masarap. Hindi sya ganun ka fabulous. Parang ordinaryong chocolate lang
na
pinalambot. Pero ang saya nung feeling na finally, nakuha ko rin yun.
Matapos akong
mapurga sa licorice at root beer flavors.

Hindi ko pa natitikman ang lahat ng 49 flavors na jelly beans sa
garapon.
Nangangalahati na ang laman pero chocolate pa rin ang hinahanap ko
kapag
binubuksan
ko ang takip. Fixated pa rin ako sa mga kulay brown na beans, kahit na
mas
appealing
ang pink, violet at blue. Madalas, ibang flavor na nakukuha ko pero
kapag
sinuswerte, nahahagilap ko rin ang chocolate pudding.

Oo, hindi worth the aggravation ang paghahanap sa chocolate pudding.
Hindi
worth ang
paghahabol ko sa yo. Ordinaryo ka lang naman. Marami pang hihigit sa
yo.
May mga
blueberry o cotton candy o strawberry daiquiri flavors na lalake sa
paligid ko pero
hindi ko pinapansin. Pero bakit kapag kakain ako ng jelly beans,
chocolate
pudding
pa rin ang hinahanap ko? Bakit kahit na marami naman lalake dyan, ikaw
pa
rin ang
gusto ko?

Hay, siguro dahil sa nakasanayan ko na.

###############

ISA PANG KWENTONG JELLY BEANS



Lahat tayo, may chocolate pudding flavor na jelly bean sa buhay. Iyong
isang bagay
na pinapangarap nating maabot ngunit sa iba't ibang kadahilanan ay
sadyang
mailap sa
atin. Pero dahil sa ito ang inaasam natin, ginagawa natin ang lahat
para
makuha ito.
May mga sinusuwerte, may iba naman na sumusuko na dahil sa hindi nila
ito
makuha. At
may mga iilan na nagpupumilit pa rin, at umaasang isang araw ay
makukuha
din nila
ito.

Kung si Carl ang the elusive chocolate pudding jelly bean sa buhay ko,
si
AJ naman
ang blueberry flavor: masarap, matamis, pero dahil laging nandiyan,
hindi
ko na-appreciate.

[HaTeR_oTzYoO]

I have known AJ for 13 years. My earliest memory of him was at the
library, when he
was trying to start a conversation. May pinakita siyang sports magazine
kung saan
nasa cover ang paborito kong si Jojo Lastimosa and that was how
everything
started.

Naging groupmates kami sa Music class and we'd spend Saturdays
together,
practicing
for our group presentations. At dahil sa lagi kaming magkasama, naging
close kami sa
isa't isa.

I remember showing him my poem collections, and there was one that he
particularly
liked. He was reading it aloud, and I was looking at him. He looked up,
met my gaze,
smiled and said, "Ayaw ug tutok sa ako, Nords, basi ma-in love ko sa
imo,
ligawan ta
ka." I blushed, kahit na hindi ako maputi.

Our literature class was watching Roxanne in the dark Audio-Visual Room
one afternoon. He was beside me. He held my hand. I didn't flinch.

It was the end of our junior years, and I was asking my classmates to
sign
my chemistry book. He scribbled, "Nords, I love you..." I laughed. He
looked at me. I
stopped laughing and got his book. "I love you, too" I wrote. He
beamed.

We were always together the beginning of our senior year. We took
recess,
spent
lunchtime with each other and talked every chance we got. After CAT, he
would wait
for me, carry my bag and we'd head together to the classroom where he'd
ask me to
give him a massage.

"Mura na mu ug mag-uyab (para kayong mag-syota)," a classmate commented
once. AJ put
his arm around me and said, "Actually, kami na."

But we were not an item. I was madly in love with Carl who was
apathetic
to me while
AJ seemed to be falling for every beautiful girl in campus. Kilala ko
lahat ng crush
niya. I was even his "bridge" to a couple of them. But his attempts to
win
them
failed at isang malaking misteryo sa akin iyun. He was smart, and
good-looking, and
funny, and sensitive. These girls didn't know what they were missing.

In the early months of our friendship, kinukunsinti ako ni AJ sa
kahibangan ko kay
Carl. He'd tell me whenever Carl was outside our classroom, or he'd
inform
me about
Carl's whereabouts. Sinasamahan pa niya ako minsan sa pang-i-stalk ko.
Pero si Carl
ang dahilan kung bakit kami nag-away.

I remember that afternoon when I was crying because I learned that Carl
had a new
girlfriend. AJ asked me why I was wasting my time crying over someone
unworthy when
I should be spending it with someone who loved me. Tinawag niya akong
tanga and I
stormed out of the room and didn't talk to him for weeks.

During our retreat, our facilitator told us to ask forgiveness from
people
we hurt.
I didn't know who made the move but I just saw myself face to face with
him in the
middle of the room. We looked at each other for a long time and then I
started to
cry. He pulled me to him and hugged me.

Hindi ko alam kung gaano katagal kaming magkayakap pero noong gabi ng
retreat,
habang nakasandal ako sa dibdib niya at umiiyak, I realized that I was
falling in
love with him.

And then he broke my heart.

We were inside the empty music room, waiting for the other group
members.
I was
listening to him play "Everything I do, I do it for you" on the
keyboard.
And then
he stopped playing and started talking about his seatmate who was so
nice
to him.

He said he was starting to like her. He asked, "Okay lang ba na
manligaw
ko sa iya,
Nords?"

Hindi ako nakasagot agad dahil ang totoo, gusto kong maiyak. Ilang
beses
na nagkuwento si AJ tungkol sa mga babaeng gusto niya pero noong araw
na
iyon, sobrang
nasaktan ako sa narinig ko. Pero hindi ako nagpahalata. Ngumiti ako at
sinabing, "If
it's going to make you happy, then do it!" And for the first time, I
secretly wished
na sana ma-basted siya.

We drifted apart after that incident. Laging silang magkasama noong
girl
na may
gusto din sa kanya habang bumalik ako sa paghahabol kay Carl. We didn't
see each
other after our high school graduation because I studied in Manila. But
when I went
to Davao for a brief vacation after college, he came to see me even if
it
was already late at night and he arrived riding his bicycles, wearing
pambahay t-shirt
and shorts.

Late 90s na iyun and I was working in my first job when I got an email
from him,
informing he would be in Manila for two weeks. He had plans of working
abroad and he
was completing his requirements in Manila. We went out thrice and I
introduced him
to my friends.

It was in November 2001 when I received a text message from him. "I'm
leaving for US
tomorrow," the message said. I answered, "Ay, di na kita makikita uli?"
His reply
was a cheesy line from Aiza Seguera's songs: Pagdating ng panahon, baka
ikaw rin at
ako.

He worked in US for two years but emails, messenger and text messages
kept
us together. We were chatting everyday, talking about anything and
everything. We'd
talk about our respective relationships, works and family. Sometimes,
we
would
engage in a repartee of flirting and sexual innuendoes.

Once, I asked him why he didn't come to see me before he left the
country
and he
kidded something might happen to us and he wouldn't be able to go to
the US.

People close to us predicted that eventually, AJ and I would end up
together pero
hindi ko pinapansin ang sinasabi nila. Oo, AJ and I had a "moment" in
high
school
but that was it. a moment. And high school was more than a decade ago.

Minsan, we were chatting in Yahoo messenger and I was telling him about
our high
school reunion. Nagkuwento ako tungkol sa pagkikita namin ni Carl at
kung
paano ako
kinilig nung hinalikan niya ako. His reply was:" Si Carl pa rin? Nords,
forget him.
You don't deserve him."

You're right. I deserved you in high school. I deserve you now. Kung
sana
hindi ako
nagpakatanga kay Carl, kung sana na-appreciate ko lahat ng ginawa mo,
baka
kasal na
tayo ngayon. Baka may dalawa na tayong anak. Baka kasama mo na ako
diyan
sa US.

Pagdating kay AJ, I will be living my life with maybe and what could
have
been.
Hindi na mangyayari ang mga "baka" na iyun. He got married early this
year.

Siya iyong blueberry flavor na jelly bean. Masarap, oo. pero dumating
siya
ng mga
panahong obsessed ako sa chocolate pudding. Kaya kahit na masarap siya,
at
nasiyahan
ako, hindi ko pinansin. Feeling ko kasi nandiyan lang siya sa garapon.
Hindi ko
akalain na mauubos din pala siya. At nang ma-realize ko na gusto ko na
ng
blueberry
sa halip na chocolate pudding, ubos na ang blueberry. Nakuha na ng iba.

Siya ang blueberry flavor na jelly bean. Ang "the one who got away."