A Letter To The Bank From An Old Lady

[mysteriouza]

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer of course to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension , an arrangement which, I admit, has been in lace for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also debiting my account 30$ by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs o eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his/her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation ( income, debts, assets and liabilities ) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at my convenience, I will issue your employee a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
When you call me, press buttons as follows.
Let me level the playing field even further.
Immediately after dialing, press the star (*) button for English.


#1 - To make an appointment to see me.
#2 - To query a missing payment.
#3 - To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 - To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5 - To transfer the call to my bathroom in case I am showering.
#6 - To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7 - To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
# 8 - To return to the main menu and listen to the options 1 through 7.
#9 - To make a general complain or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering machine.
#10 - This is a second reminder to press * for English.

While this may on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up to this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?


Signed,
Your humble client...